Remembering Stone #8: Starting From Scratch
/
No more “He loves me. He loves me not.”
No more scrutinizing every jot and tittle of my behavior so that God will hear my prayers.
NO MORE! No more … no more!
Since the day I fully embraced the “Smile that Destroyed My Religion,” (See Remembering Stone #7), I have been learning to enjoy and bask in the unconditional (apart from my performance) love of my Abba Father God for me, His darling daughter.
Everything began to change after I truly believed and embraced God’s unconditional love for me personally. Little by little, the legalisms began to drop away.
I began asking myself where my so-called “spiritual activities” came from. Why was I doing what I was doing? So I began eliminating activities that I felt bound by until I could discern if it was coming from God or my self-effort.
I was starting from scratch (and told my husband so…)
The first thing was my prayer list. I was so wracked by performance in my 'prayer life.' I had a prayer list that was broken down into daily, weekly, monthly. I tried the A-C-T-S approach, making sure I went in the correct order: first Adoration, then Confession, don't forget Thanksgiving, and finally Supplication (including the stuff I was really agonizing over in my life). The discipline of it all would have put the best of the canonized saints to shame.
And I HATED it! Dreaded it! I hated to pray!
Finally, I realized this can't be prayer in God's view of it all. So I said to God (so I guess that was one of the first real honest prayers I'd prayed in a long time since I had started "learning" how to pray),
“LORD, I'm not praying until YOU show me what prayer is!”
And I meant it! So I didn't pray. I ripped up my prayer list (that work of 'disciplined art'). I stopped the ACTS stuff. I just was ... for I forget how long…
And then it started happening ... prayer began to well up from deep within, from my innermost being, coming into my conscious thoughts. And I realized I was praying. But my prayer was no longer originating in my brain, aided by my formulas and lists. It was originating from my spirit in union with the Holy Spirit. He was praying the prayer that originated with Him.
And so now I relax about prayer. I trust Him to draw the early conscious thought of my days to His Lordship and then unfold His fullness throughout each day. For a time, I found myself writing my prayers, but that changed as He nudged me in a new direction.
After years of no 'to do lists' in my praying, I can now freely use a list if I sense a need and desire for one. The memory sometimes needs help. And I'm still free to let HIM do the praying in and through me.
And I don't think of prayer as my so-called 'prayer life.' I live in union with my God, so of course we communicate with each other. I guess that's prayer.
I also did this with other things – the “should’s & ought to’s,” so-called spiritual activities that I did because ‘I should if I’m a spiritual Christian’ or because someone expected me to (like going to meetings at church). I waited until I could do them from freedom and joy and relationship.
This detaching from legalisms/ formulas / “human teachings” even affected John’s and my marriage.When we were married in 1971, there was ultra-conservative teaching in evangelicalism about the submission of the wife. Since I was very conscientious about the Will of God, wanting to be the perfect wife, I embraced the extreme teaching. It produced a dysfunctional codependency in my relationship with John. It had killed our friendship, and almost destroyed my soul.
Then years into our marriage, the Holy Spirit pointed out the lie I had believed for many years. He showed me I was looking to John to be my source. So I detached from the codependency. There was upheaval at first. But little by little, our friendship has been restored. We are now living as co-heirs of the grace of life, partners with God and each other in His roles for us in this life.
So my Christian life has been coming from a new Source with a new Focus. Day by day, I learn to cease my self-effort and rest in Christ.
Here are some great quotes:
All true spiritual experience begins with rest! (Watchman Nee)
“…relaxing in God is the neglected spiritual discipline.” (Andrew Farley)
All true spirituality is about “letting go. (Richard Rohr)
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly. Matthew 11:28-30 MSG
For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision accomplishes anything; what matters is faith working through love. … For both circumcision and uncircumcision mean nothing; what matters instead is a new creation. Galatians 5:6; 6:15 CSB
Christ’s call to live from His rest and not my self-effort is a daily invitation.
His challenge to let go of legalism and dysfunction has continued through all these years since those turning points.
So that is what I will be sharing in the remaining “Stones” — the clarifying and freeing and abundant message of God’s Smiling Love and Hugging Grace in our awesome, beloved, amazing Lord and Savior and Brother and Friend Jesus Christ.
Your Turn
What is the motivation for each of your so-called “spiritual”” activities? Self-effort, earning/ achieving something with God? Or the indwelling life of Christ? If the former, why not stop for a while?
Who / what is your source? Have you become codependent in any of your relationships – keeping someone ok; others needing to keep you ok?
Ask the Lord to reprogram your doing to come from His indwelling Life.
